Spartacus: Gods of the Arena was jaw-dropping

27 March, 2011

SPARTACUS: Gods of the Arena was a relentless barrage of preposterously gory fight scenes, foulmouthed obscenity and graphic sex and violence.

In other words, it was fantastic – I mean appalling.

Well, it was jaw-dropping either way – amazing, especially if you like that kind of thing.

If you don’t, it was probably the final proof of The Decline of Western Civilisation as we know it. Then again, I would question whether you really needed to watch it all the way through? And record it.

Spartacus is unusual for reasons other than the UNBELIEVABLE amount of bloody brutality, incessant swearing and gratuitous soft-core porn on show.

For a start, Spartacus is not actually in it. Secondly, the lead character, Batiatus (played by John Hannah) is actually already dead.

How come? Regrettably, Andy Whitfield, who played Spartacus in the first series (Blood & Sand), was diagnosed with cancer. Pending his possible recovery, the studio elected to make Gods of the Arena, a prequel.

Batiatus was just one of several men whose heads were sliced off during the opening two-minute section, “Previously in Spartacus”.

“There is but one path,” growled the voiceover. “We kill them all.”

We certainly do in this series. It took, ooh, five seconds of series two before the screen was swimming in blood – gallons and gallons of it – while two musclebound Marys in gladiator gear knocked seven bells out of each other while shouting “Argh!” and “Arghhhhhh!”

God knows what John Hannah was yelling.

“I’ll have your f***ing hearts!” or “I’ll have your f***ing a***!” – it really didn’t make much of a difference.

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Batiatus’s star gladiator/slave is Gannicus, a gorgeous hunk who looks like a cross between a Gucci model, Conan The Barbarian and the lead singer of Whitesnake. The producers of Spartacus (who include The Evil Dead’s Sam Raimi) have obviously studied the likes of Conan, Rome, Braveheart, 300, Xena: Warrior Princess, Hostel, not to mention WWF wrestling. And then decided they were far too subtle.

It has more CGIs than you could shake a sword at, while the slow-motion carnage and foulmouthed language make Guy Ritchie look like Woody Allen.

Savage scenes of violence are routinely intercut with orgies, threesomes, or – when they get really desperate – a man having sex with his wife.

Historians would probably question whether the House of Flying Daggers martial art moves or accompanying heavy metal music were authentic. Other utterly gratuitous scenes include: lines of beautiful, naked, large-breasted models being hawked around the market in handcuffs. Not to mention the women.

The language is jawdroppingly vulgar. “He can strip naked and fight with his **** as long as he wins!” Batiatus enthuses of Gannicus.

“That s*** f*** will never be a gladiator,” someone says of another. “*** *** ***!!” says someone else.

My favourite scene – in a strange way, admittedly – came when in mid-speech, Hannah walked over to a street latrine, casually yanked up his tunic, and had a dump.

His colleague – a man who looked like Christopher Walken wearing Pat Evans’s earrings – didn’t bat an eyelid.

Hannah had more excrement kicked out of him by Ashley Peacock lookalike Tallius at the end of episode one.

Batiatus, we know, fights back over the next five episodes. We also know he comes to a messy, bloody end.

But then, in Spartacus, so does practically everyone.

As a TV spectacle, Spartacus has certainly raised the stakes. God knows what series three will be like if they make it.

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